an ending and a beginning

I got my period today.

When it didn't come on the 28th day - yesterday - as usual, I caught myself feverishly hoping that I would be one of the lucky ones to which my fertility specialist referred at my appointment last week. Meaning that I hoped that my period wouldn't come because I somehow managed to conceive during the past month, that my body had been scared straight at the mere threat of fertility treatments after laying stubbornly dormant for three and a half years.

Eh, no.

My heart - dangling tenuously since last night on a teensy-tiny thread of hope - dropped when I saw the telltale red, and I closed my eyes and cursed my body for betraying me yet again.

But then I remembered that seeing red isn't so bad this time around. Because this time, it marks a new beginning.

The beginning of a new road that might - MIGHT - end without me seeing red next month.

Now that I've gotten my dreaded period, I can proceed with the tests the fertility doctor wanted me to get.

On Tuesday, I'll have the Day 3 FSH test, and if that goes well, it'll be checked again on Day 10, after I take a Clomid Challenge. In the meantime, later this week or early next, I'll have a hysterosonogram to check the fibroid in my uterus. And - if all of these things go well - we'll try our first insemination cycle later this month.

I could be pregnant at this time a month from now.

Hope is a dangerous, dangerous thing after all this time; believe me, I know that. But how can I not hope when the whole situation is going to be different this month? Besides, people are always talking about the power of positive thinking; if it's true that positive thinking can help attract what you most want in your life, then how could I do anything other than hope?

And so I'll embrace this unwanted red - this time. Because it marks this new beginning. The new beginning that will hopefully lead me to a better ending in October.

I pray, I pray, I pray...

Hopefully yours,

P.S. I know that a vast majority of my recent posts have focused on my struggles with secondary infertility. I'm sure many of you are fine with that, but there are probably some who aren't, for whatever reasons. I can't apologize for that because it just so happens to be a major focus of my life right now, and my life is what I write about. I will, however, give you my word that this blog is NOT becoming a Capital I Capital B "Infertility Blog". It has always been - and will remain - a blog about a little of everything. So please have patience as I get through the next several weeks, and we'll see where we end up. Thanks in advance, readers!!


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